On BDSM, Feminism, and Silly Statements

Apparently there is this erotica novel, 50 Shades of Grey, that’s causing a kerfluffle. I have nothing to say about that. Haven’t read it, not sure if I will. But then I read this article, and really, I have to rant. Let me share with you the section that provoked my ire:

Amy Robach for NBC News says that the novel answers the age old question of what do women really want. Never mind being left breathless or captivated, says Robach, this book makes it clear that domination and submission are on the minds of most American women (emphasis mine).

“We had the women’s movement which really was about empowering women not to be submissive to men anymore. Now we’ve moved onto a new generation where women are more empowered than ever before, the glass ceiling has been broken and we have as much control as we want. And what are we longing for? A little bodice ripping,” answers author Laura Berman to NBC.

Sounds possible, right? But the problem here is perspective. This analysis is focused entirely on women and sex (both of which are fascinating topics and hey, who can blame a journalist for wanting to talk about either, much less both?) The idea is that somehow this desire to be personally dominated contradicts the desire to be professionally powerful. But that’s an incredibly short-sighted view, even assuming the article is correct in the generalization that the majority of American women want to be dominated. It’s about power and responsibility. It’s about freedom.

Did you know, the vast majority of clients for dominatrices are powerful men? CEOs, VPs, managers, venture capitalists. Men who make decisions all-fracking-day long. Men who are in charge. They pay good money-sometimes excellent money-to be dominated by someone else. Sex is often a component. But the sex isn’t the point.

The point is freedom. Not having to make decisions or take responsibility. The point is escaping pressure and guilt. When you’re the one in charge, your decisions matter. They affect everyone around you. It’s your fault if the company does poorly and you need to lay-off one third of your employees. Your responsibility, your guilt. In that context, the fantasy of letting someone else dominate you makes a hell of a lot of sense. For that brief span of time you don’t have to make decisions or take responsibility. Someone else gets the blame. Someone else decides whether you deserve punishment or reward. All you have to do is follow orders.

BDSM isn’t only about freedom, but that is a huge part of its appeal.

If, in fact, there is any correlation between women having more power now and wanting to be dominated, it is in no way a reversal of feminism. If anything, it’s an indicator that women truly are gaining more power, whether that be corporate or personal power. It means that powerful women have the same fantasies as powerful men. That looks a heck of a lot more like equality, to me.

4 Responses

  1. That makes a lot of sense. It reminds me of why I — who almost majored in computer science — wanted nothing to do with the decisions regarding my new computer a few years ago and left it all up to my husband. “Why are you doing this?” he asked. “I know you are completely capable of understanding all this stuff and doing the research and making the decisions. Why leave it so completely up to me?” But I was making a lot of decisions about homeschooling the kids at the time, spending all my energy on decisions that no one else would pay attention to or make for me but that would really matter to our kids, and the computer was one set of decisions I just didn’t want on my plate. I was happy to hand it off to someone else. We seek a balance. In the context of a life of having to dominate and take responsibility for most of the day, it totally makes sense to have some small part of the day in which one yields responsibility and decision-making to someone else.

  2. Hey, Diana: good points. I actually had a friend in the UK, decades ago, who’d lived with a professional dominatrix for years, and she counted high court judges and police commanders among her clients. It’s absolutely true.

    On a more subtle level, one thing I noticed in my own 20+year career as a high-end faux painter catering mostly to rich and powerful clients is that powerful people are extremely hierarchical: they tend to see the world as a vertically-arranged system, and the very first thing they do (an unconscious reflex IMO) is assign them a position in their worldview hierarchy. I always found that by hitting them right away as someone who was highly educated and not about to take shit got me a ranking as at least their social/intellectual (not economic, of course) equal right away, which meant they were less likely to play games with me down the line over things like bills and payment. Inetrsting stuff.

  3. The idea that being a sub equals lack of power bothers me. The only way being a D/s relationship works is if both parties hold each other in _absolute respect_. The sub _has_ to know that the safe word will work, if needed, and that the Dom will respect all boundaries set up before their encounter.

    You can’t do that if the power balance outside the D/s part of the relationship isn’t absolutely equal. The only way women _can_ be proper subs (in hetero relationships) is if they have just as much power as the man. A sub certainly relinquishes control, and that certainly has appeal, but only if the relationship stays within safe boundaries. The sub never relinquishes power.

Leave a Reply