4 Comments

  1. Chris

    I’d love to have the me of 24 years ago read this. But that guy just wouldn’t ‘get it’. Ah well. Best of all to you.

  2. This is a great perspective. I love the way you describe the default girlfriend zone vs. default friend zone dichotomy. I think part of the reason I like being mommy first in my social sphere is that it automatically places me in the friend zone, and that’s where I’m comfortable and where I belong at this point in my life.

    I never have wrapped my head around the whole dating thing. I fell into a relationship in college, went straight from “met a cute boy” to “married” in my adult life. I feel the same way about free-meal dating as you do!

    I think part of the issue is that people think that, because being paired up seems to be the norm for the majority, being paired up should be a guiding principle for everybody. Because they’re on the hunt for a romantic partner, they assume everyone unpaired it too. It’s just not that way. I like being single. Who knows? Perhaps that’ll change some day, but it’s the way it is right now.

    Hugs to you!

  3. Jonathan

    I want to be upfront – I’m not defending them and I’m certainly not defending myself. I take responsibility for my abhorrent actions. I did damage. I tried to repair it but I’m still learning the repercussions. I can never make it right but now I know there’s more I can do and tomorrow I will do more.

    I did this once, two years ago. I say once and I’m grasping at straws because depending on how you weight it it could represent one, a quarter, a percentage so high that if you discount one other mutually harmful relationship would be 99.. Was I inexperienced? Yes but I wasn’t ignorant. I should have known better. I did know better.

    I knew the dishonesty of my beheviour. I hadn’t asked that night because I’d come to a sudden realisation. I asked because the fear of not asking had finally trumped the fear of asking.

    Grace. I struggle to remember my actions clearly but I am certain that everything I did was the opposite of grace. Here was a friend I adore, who’d given me so much. Trust, respect, compassion, understanding and friendship. I could give these same gifts to a friend put in a painful position. I didn’t. I failed a friend who even as I was failing her still tried to support me.

    I want to thank you for writing this. I though I’d understood all damage, the hurt, pain and betrayal I’d caused but today I keenly see something I missed in my actions. I’m sorry for whatever caused you to write this, it shouldn’t be this way.

    I hope I’ve never find myself in the same position again but if I do I’ll react with respect, compassion and understanding. I’ll do it for them because they deserve it, I’ll do it for her because I failed her, I’ll do it for me because I should have done it and I’ll do it for you and everyone else who shouldn’t regret or fear being honest. I just hope I do it with grace.

  4. meganthorsen

    The “Why?” can have a lot of variation to it. Almost invariably they ask. Some of them ask it in that tone you’re wary of, but more (in my experience, obviously) ask it in a more “I’m curious, my friend. Please tell me a personal thing! It’s OK if you don’t want to right now, though.” kind of tone. I’m far more wary of the ones who don’t outright ask if you’d like to try a date sometime, the ones who sort of passive aggressively imply and then get defensive/grumpy/whiny if you don’t play the game in the direction they’d prefer.

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